quite early July
Loneliness; a deep wrenching feeling of sadness and helplessness is dragging me down, and I feel as if the mattress could cave in and swallow me up, or perhaps I want it to. I stare at the message, searching for what once was potential between us, but am faced with the engulfing reflection of my own misery. I don’t reply, for I don’t know what to say. Saying anything at all seems pointless since there is nothing either of us can do and nothing he would do. I seek comfort in the constant whirring of the laptop, sticky on my legs. It buzzes with a deceitful warmth that boils my emotions and whispers a sad song that I let flood my brain. I feel numb but busy, empty but full of frantic and hopeless confusion. My throat aches as a tear escapes my eye, a sad reminder staining my cheek. My sister opens the window and it almost smells like a happy homeliness, but I can hardly recognise it over the heat and tears. I’m not even sure why or if I should be crying like this, and it all seems trivial and pathetic writing it down. I can’t think. I wish I wanted to sleep: tired from a productive day of perfect exam results, entertaining conversations and easy successes? But it’s not like that at all. I’m Hot and exhausted from absolutely nothing and weeping and drowning in (a yet to be justified type of) self-pity. I feel sick.
So we broke up on Wednesday (10th) and after the park with people from school, I spent Thursday and Friday at Theo’s house trying to dye my hair blue and purple, which worked I think. On Saturday I chilled and basked in the nice weather and Saturday night I went to a party down the road. It was wierd and enlightening, but I most enjoyed swinging on the swing under the stars with only one shoe on. On Sunday we went down to a different park, with a pond where we dipped our feet in and climbed up the trees. I left after a while because my Dad told me to come home.
middle of July
We’re half way through I guess. You think Summer is like this huge amazing two month holiday, when really most of July is spent recovering from school, mildly procrastinating, waiting for something to happen or trying to plan things that never really happen- so in the end it’s only August really, and then you’re going on holiday, or at least I am. There’s a bit of a heatwave at the moment here, which is kind of odd, (because usually we have a burst of summer in May and then dim-ish weather in the holidays and lovely dappled autumnal weather in September) but then I guess it did snow up ’til April.
On the first Monday of the summer holidays I invited Theo over and after some lying around and wondering whether to build a pond in my garden, we walked all the way down to the lido (it’s a long way) -on the way I got a peach ice cream and she got a banana one, and we saw some cute boys too. When we got there we decided not to go in the lido because it was so busy so we just kinda walked around bare-footed until we found this paddling pool area, which Theo wouldn’t let me go in because she said it was infested with kid’s pee. Instead we walked around some more and then got the bus home. The next day I took the bus down to Theos and met with some girls and we went to another lido, which was less busy and most enjoyable. On both Wednesday and Thursday my plans have been cancelled, so I am kind of bummed to be sitting in doors on the computer when there’s such nice weather outside. This all makes me so tired.
On Friday I took afew of the overground trains to Hampstead Heath where I met Rachel for the first time. I was really quite nervous to be shooting without permission at the lido when we first walked in, but after some underwater shots on her camera I settled in and we basked in the heat. After a while we left and walked up to the top of a hill but I wasn’t feelin it so we walked back down and I shot Rachel next to some bleachers on an abandonned-type running track. We got some lemonade before parting our seperate wayes and then left. On the Saturday I met with Sophie and Izzie and Claire and Frankie at the park and Izzie slept over. We watched Uptown girls, which was delightful. On Sunday I was grumpy so dad took me out for a mocha and we played table football in this cool pub. After we went to mums gig. A pleasing few days, but I hope to do better next week.
On Monday I dragged myself out of my bed and met Maya (from cali) and Ellie, which was very pretty. We met at Brick Lane, but we were all so exhausted and broke that we really didn’t end up buying anything but a smoothie (which was overpriced too!) We sat down on the nearest patch of grass we could find and I had tangfastics for lunch because I couldn’t be bothered to buy anything else. On the way home I bought an ice tea. The next day I plan to stay at home but we have a french student over at our house and Saskia has to take her our so I go and see the great gatsby, which is bemusing and bewildering and beautiful. Afterwards we wander around abit and I leave them and go back home. For dinner we meet again at the Southbank with mum and aurora and eat Italian. On our way to the car Aurora walks into a pole. On Wednesday we meet with Sezzy at the park down the road and we have a picnic but me and saskia have nothing to eat because we already had pizza before (ha). On our way back to the house we see some teenz from Saskia’s year at school and some of them come over to talk to us for a while but it soon descends into an awkward kind of conversation where they’re not talking to us. We scuttle away. At home I spend ages making a water slide and we all use the hose and make it work and it’s great. On Thursday Agnes comes over. She is very shy at first and a tiny bit awkward but after a while we start talking. We have no nice food in my house so I say we should make a milkshake, which is a terrible idea. We play table tennis and chat and then go to the Lazy Oaf launch party, where I get my nails done, and we eat salty nachos and can’t afford anything. Her friends (who all look like mega ultra mermaid queenz) arrive and so do Izzie, Kix and Holly and in an awkward cacophany of glances and confusion we part out seperate ways and I feel a little bad for leaving Agnes because she’s such a sweetie. Me and Kix and Izzie and Holly take the DLR home and watch trashy TV at Holly’s and eat cereal and stuff. I fall asleep and the others tell me I was talking about ‘not doing drugs’ in my slumber. On the way to the train station in the morning me and Kix get sweets and then take the train home. When I am walking across the platforms, Jess comes up to me and says hello and I’m like: ‘woah we were on the same train and never knew wut’ and she’s wearing this lovely black velvet dress, red lipstick, clunky shoes, hole-y tights and bouncy hair. When Rosalind and Dani arrive we collage abit and watch that episode (seven, season two) of twin peaks that I can’t get past where *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER ALERT* Maddie gets battered to death (I won’t say who by) and it was horrifying and chilling. We walk down to the park and listen to music and go and get hair dye and bleach Jess’s hair blonde at home (-it smells like a bitch!) Me and Rosalind and Jess go down to the park again and see Labyrinth (DAVID BOWIE OMG) at the open air cinema and the sunset is gorgeous and people shout stuff out and it’s very funny and lovely. After it’s finished mum picks us up in the dark and Rosaling gets the train home and talks to a lovely old drunk lady. Jess sleeps over and in the morning our hair is all funny. On Saturday I pack for Wales and that night I am left alone and I nearly pee myself because I don’t want to leave my room because of Bob (Twin Peaks fans, I hope you feel me…) On Sunday we get the train and go to Wales. It’s very fast and when we get there it’s miserable and the decor is very ugly in most places.
It’s Monday again, the third of the holidays, it’s gone so awfully quickly. We’re going out for the first time. We drive down to the mumbles and aurora goes on some swings and after ice cream we drive on and find this cute little beach where we have picnic lunch before we leave and go see Monsters university. On Tuesday we went to a big swimming pool with slides and Aurora kept running off which scared the hell out of us. I lost my best (and only) blue scrunchie, which is sad. Afterwards we ate minstrels and took a cab and went to the uplands for shopping where mum got some stuff and I got this cute vintage top. Before dinner we went and ran around on the beach and the sun shone and the sand was soft and fuzzy. Dad came home and we ate and I watched vice’s SHOT BY KERN, which I still don’t know how I feel about. Today I tried to reply to emails at home and did organisation (-more like poor-ganisation…haha I’m so punny…) I have been drinking a peach, passion-fruit and lemongrass juice drink and some sushi and after dinner I am going to have a snickers ice cream. I can’t believe it’s the last day of July. Half the holidays are gone already, and throughout August I’m abroad or busy, I can barely believe it! Time does fly when you’re having fun…