illustration by Luit B

Aries: Likes to put on big “work hard play hard” front. Acknowledges that they are totally not fucked or at least pretends they’re 100% confident. Churns through all of the work and buys everyone a round after their last exam.

Taurus: Casually self destructs from the comfort of their own room in pajamas watching through every season of every show they’ve meant to watch on Netflix since the beginning of the semester. By some miracle they end up being 100% prepared and do absolutely fine in the home stretch.

Gemini: Mysteriously disappears and reappears from social contact. Makes minor changes to their appearances and other weird impulsive decisions.

Cancer: Tries to help and console other people to distract themselves from their own stress. Coaches other people through their nervous breakdowns. Won’t admit to anyone what’s going wrong (or well!) with their own shit.

Leo: Plans coffee dates with all of their friends where they appear flustered, keeps making a point about being “sooooo behind” and totally fucked in an oddly cheerful way. Leo is cheerful because secretly, they have done every single reading for the semester, are on top of all of their assignments, and haven’t even been sweating it.

Virgo: Spends the preceding month leading up to finals making itemized to do lists and filling their multiple planbooks with schedules for tackling assignments. Gets the idea to start scheduling time for anti-stress baths, tea, and relaxation time. Spends so much “me-time” productively procrastinating that they don’t do shit. Ends up having to use their Virgo memory voodoo to cram the night before. Aces everything in a semi-conscious haze of sleep deprivation and caffeine jitters.

Libra: Usually a social butterfly, Libra spends all of their time before exams chatting to their friends about how they can’t go out because they’re so incredibly stressed out and fucked. Then they get wine drunk on girl’s night the night before they have a major assignment due and cry. A lot.

Scorpio: Spends a lot of time in office hours, finagling with their professor for more details about what’s going on. Alternately, bitches to friends about their stress, but is purposefully really vague on details — keeping the competition off of their scent, you know how it is.

Sagittarius: In front of people, during study sessions or whatever, Sag plays dumb and acts like they haven’t done shit to prepare yet. Alternately, when hanging out, they fuck around on their computers, throw get-togethers, and seem generally nonchalant. Secretly, behind everyone’s backs, they’ve actually been putting a ton of effort into work and end up nailing it.

Capricorn: Sits at home side-eyeing everyone else for even being stressed out.

Aquarius: Chain smokes and alternates between giving themselves empowering pep talks and having nervous breaks.

Pisces: You know, Pisces tries to play up the whole ditzy space-cadet ball-of-cuteness deal, but they actually totally have their shit together when it comes to school. They’re not even pressed.

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April 19, 2013


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