Space Cadet Illustration by Aimee Books
illustration by Aimee Bee Brooks

GOOD AQUARIUS

✰ Socially Conscious ✰
Aquarians are super devoted to the betterment of mankind and the world as a whole – they’re embodiments of the eleventh house, which rules “society” as a concept in addition to collectivized experience. Whether they’re starting an organization or movement (like Rosa Parks or Susan B. Anthony) or attempting to talk to as many people as they can (like Oprah), Aquarians are truly invested in the world around them and changing it to whatever extent they can.

✰ Smart & Observational 
This devotion puts our water-bearing friends in a cognitive dissonance around emotionality. They’re constantly straddling the efficiency of technology, data, systems along with the actuality of the human experience they work so hard to protect. They are like cyborgs, part machinery, with minds like computes always inputting the goings-on of their environment like scientific apparati. Go on, ask them a question and watch them pause blankly as they compile data from the surrounding stimuli before they respond. This quality makes them literal geniuses – their powers of analysis are so ingrained in their constant observation that their readings of goings-on are automatic. Their criticisms of whatever they’re looking at are implicit in the moment of their glance itself. This puts them in the advantageous position of always being two steps ahead of everyone, but it’s also rather painful – that means they’re also always alone. Pretty ironic for the sign that governs the existence of human groups.

✰ Ahead of their time, radical, open-minded ✰
Thomas Edison, Charles Darwin, Galileo. There are tons and tons of famous Aquarians, but they are usually famed for their insights. They catch things no one else is even capable of conceiving of, and they are often burned for it. Aquarius isn’t the most popular sign, but they are paradigm shifters and they always bring something new to the table even as they completely erupt tradition from the inside out.

✰ Charismatic & Cool ✰
People are so drawn to Aquarians simply because it’s the Aquarian nature to provoke great feeling, even if they can’t instill it themselves. They can be endlessly charming – Clark Gable and JGL are two notable Cutequarians – and many men and women have fallen for them within weeks only to fall flat on their face when Aquarius moves onto the next thing. But what a love it feels like, to be totally enraptured by someone who can’t help but come off as such an important person. You can tell a lot about a sign by its opposite – Aquarius’s is Leo. If you sucked all of the sycophancy out of the Lion and gave it a fearless edge, you get someone who is just entrancing, even if you’re wincing or watching from arm’s length.

BAD AQUARIUS

✰ Unreliable & Hypocritical ✰
Remember how I said that all Aquarians are geniuses? I politely understated that. They are fucking mad scientists. By that, I mean that they’re so caught up in their analytical brilliance, the sheer abstract form of their ideas, that they often can’t be fucked to tie their shoes or wash the dishes. Keeping a date is not in their vocabulary; they’re too good for traditional narratives of time. Doing the polite thing wouldn’t jibe with their politics, so don’t expect flowers on Valentine’s Day if you’re dating a Water-bearer – that’s far too normative. They’ll show you their love how THEY decide is appropriate, or not at all. They constantly blither long-windedly and completely forget to actually communicate or transfer ideas. While a well-executed Aquarian is a game-changer who irrevocably shifts their time (like Abraham Lincoln), one who doesn’t follow through is the most infuriating of armchair activists. They see all of the problems, but it can be hard for them to come up with solutions.

✰ Glacial & Unfeeling 
Aquarians are horrifying in their ability to analyze and manipulate. They are the type of people who fuck with someone not for any material or quantifiable end, but just to aggravate the waters enough to see how they react. They are able to excise the part of themselves that is feeling just to devote full energy to the task at hand. They can’t always balance thinking or feeling at once, and logic always takes priority. They hardly ever show their emotional cards, except through stilted and stitched together abstractions that sound robotic. Think Spock from Star Trek, honestly – well meaning, impeccable at analyzing all possible outcomes and conclusions, but can’t have an opinion based off of sole intuition or emotion. They shut off when emotionally confronted. If you have an Aquarius crying or yelling or overflowing, you have truly broken down a part of their psyche.

✰ Polarizing ✰
As a fixed sign, Aquarius can be a pretty stubborn presence, and as an air sign, they’re symbolic presences in a room and can mean different things to different people – like Paris Hilton, for example, is either “everything that’s wrong in America” or a pretty, calculated self-made businesswoman. Ayn Rand? Ronald Reagan? Aquarians are the fixtures around which entire identity groups get constructed. The expression “love ’em or hate ’em” was probably coined in response to an Aquarian – people are either attracted to them like moths to a light, or repulsed like magnets of the same polarity. Nobody ever says “he’s alright” about an Aquarian – they’re either one of the greatest people you’ve ever met, or evil incarnate. People project onto Aquarians a lot, simply because they’re so able to abstractly talk themselves into and out of different opinions and thought processes. (They are often that dick playing devil’s advocate.) However, at their core, what’s most infuriarating about Aquarians is that they conceive of themselves as a great contrarian, the one who deconstructs, an anarchist without shame, but they truly do care about how they are perceived, because they understand that they can’t function as loners to complete whatever mission they have in mind for themselves and the world. They are by no means suckups – an Aquarius never compromises her principles, whatever they are (and they’re ever changing and their morals are untrackable even by themselves) – but they are insecure, simply because no one is at their level. Like their air sign brethren, Gemini and Libra, Aquarians can be two-faced – but they don’t necessarily see either side of the coin as in conflict with the other.

✰ Overly-Critical ✰
Speaks for itself. Aquarius people are the ones you want to bring an idea to if you need the kinks worked out, because they’ll tear it apart. Never, ever go to an Aquarius if you need an ego boost. They aren’t as tactless as a Sagittarius, but they are by no means as soft-spoken as a Virgo or Cancer. They won’t dance around the problem, especially if they really do believe in you.

✰ Aliens ✰
Their lack of obvious emotion and hyper-intelligence can often make them come off a little strange. More sociable Aquarians can master social skills, but everything about their public personas is scientific in that it’s down to a science and mostly calculated from their observational prowess. They are otherworldly and transcendent in the depth and breadth of their ability for sheer understanding. Additionally, they are quirky and eccentric, generally, and have varied interests – Renaissance men and women. They are obsessed with space, time, and the future, technology and the limits of humanity, both physically and in thought. Little Aquarians are science whizzes and know every constellation in the sky; as adolescents, they have a secret thing for sci-fi and gadgetry.

✰ Forgetful & Erratic ✰
Aquarians are a little off their rocker and need a secondhand man or girl not only to bounce ideas off of and bring them back to earth and reality, but also to keep them on the straight and narrow. They don’t have a “selective memory” so much as a totally randomized ones – facts and figures, nuggets of information and Jeopardy-type knowledge they’ve got inside out. Your birthday? No clue. They’re chatty and social one minute, deeply introspective the next. They always come off a little bit batty because it’s hard for them to smooth their many crests and crevices into a clean front.

Luv ya, Aquarians!

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June 22, 2013

Comments

I’d love to hear about the other signs!! The accuracy of this is so surreal. My mother is an Aquarius and it literally feels like you have known her your entire life. Thanks in advance and this was an extraordinary read. You pretty much summed up what I’ve been saying about Aquarians for my entire life, lol 🙂 Keep up the good work 🙂

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